Laying on the couch this morning, my heated herbal pillow across my eyes and forehead, trying to get rid of the stuffy nose and aching sinuses I have had since 2:30am, I decided I better get up and go see some patients today. As I rolled over on my back, I looked around my living room at the pictures hung on my wall, reading the sayings on them, remembering the friend who bought some of them for me and the friends who helped me hang all of them on Christmas Eve. Thoughts flooded my mind and feelings arose in my heart and before I knew it, I was crying. Although I have what seems a constant stream of thoughts and feeling rolling round my head and heart, I realized there are times when they are so deep, so abundant, and so overwhelming that I cannot find the words to express myself, even in conversations with myself in my head, and so I cry. Sometimes in counseling my therapist will ask “Why the tears?”. Unlike when I first started seeing her, the skills of identifying and expressing my thoughts and feelings are improving, but sometimes I just have to tell her, “I don’t know”, because words fail me. Sometimes like…
When I feel shattered in a million pieces because of the brokenness of my childhood, my family, this world… I cry.
When I am grieved so deeply because of the things I have lost, I cannot get back, cannot change, cannot ever experience… I cry.
When I am so angry because of what the enemy has done to me, to my family, my friends, God’s creation… I cry.
When I am so frustrated that I cannot control what is not mine to control, when I see others living apart from Christ, when I don’t understand and do not see hope… I cry.
When I am afraid, fearing being abandoned again, do not feel safe, feel alone, wonder if I matter to anyone and question why I exist… I cry.
When I am so full of shame because of what was done to me, what I have done in response to that, how I have acted out in sinful ways, the depravity of my soul… I cry.
When memories flood my mind, emotions overtake my body, and I’m taken back to times happy, sad, and traumatic… I cry.
When I long for Jesus to hold me and heal me, to show me His presence, His power, His peace… I cry.
When I am doing things beyond my human capability, hard and painful, and I want to quit; the races I “wog”, the binges, temptations and self contempt I try to turn away from, the separation from family, facing what is gut wrenching and so SO devastating… I cry.
When I am in awe and touched deep inside by the beautiful creation of God, the endless beauty and power of the ocean, a song that touches the deep parts of my soul, a picture that makes time stand still, the words on a page that utter my deepest unspoken thoughts… I cry.
The facial expression, the sound of their voice, the feel of their hug, their heart touching mine… someone who shows me understanding and acceptance… I cry.
When I laugh so hard, a laugh deep from my heart, feeling the goodness to enjoy freedom as God’s child … I cry.
When I sing in praise and worship to my good good Father, my Savior King and Holy Spirit, when They reveal themselves to me, when I look at how I have never been alone and my life has been covered in Grace… I cry.
When I long to go home to see mom and Jesus, to feel their touch, see them face to face, to hear their voices, to be in their actual physical presence… I cry.
In the world where I grew up, crying was taught to be seen as a weakness. But the more I learn who I am in Christ, the more I am learning that so many lies were told to me by those who were suppose to teach me about how the world functions and how to survive in it. Lies about who I am, about who they are and about God. I was called a cry baby so many times that I started stuffing the emotions to stop the tears until one day I was numb. Looking back I think part of me thought that stopping the tears would bring me the strength I thought these people had… WRONG. It only made me feel weaker and that which I feared stronger than ever. I am humbled when I survey the story God is writing in my life and remember that He has been protecting from who and what I feared, slowly drowning out their voices and is correcting the lies with the Truth. I’m so grateful that He has provided opportunities for His healing grace to show me that in my weakness I am made strong through Christ. And that though my words may fail, my tears are really a strength that can speak beyond what my mouth could ever utter.
I’m starting to believe that crying is just one of the super powers God has given me.
Jesus, thank You for Your healing and transforming grace that has covered me my whole life. Thank You that my once stony hardened heart is being turned to a heart flesh. Thank You for showing that there is strength in crying when You wept. God, I am so thankful for my weakness because it gives me the opportunity to see my desperate need for You and Your strength. This journey is so joyful and yet so painful that I can’t always say what I’m thinking and feeling, I can only respond with unintelligible utterances deep within my spirit expressed in tears. I am humbled that it is with groanings such as these that the Holy Spirit lovingly prays for me. Thank You God that You are ever present, ever listening and ever responding even when, especially when, my words fail.